Two weeks ago on Brown Bag Lunch with the AP, my guest Justin Carotti and I were talking about men’s mental health and motivation.

At one point in the conversation, Justin said something that stayed with me:

He talked about the importance of young men gaining a sense of usefulness, purpose, and contribution — through working with their hands, creating something, helping out.

And tonight, I saw exactly what he meant.

My younger son’s basketball season just ended. So these days, after school, once homework is done, he’s mostly home — stretched out on the couch, scrolling videos.

And tonight he was in a classic tween mood.

He snapped at his older brother about something small. His brother snapped back. The tension rose quickly, the way it sometimes does when people are tired and stuck in the same space.

I gave my lecture.

“You know… it’s really not hard to be nice,” I said. “What was your goal there?” “How did you want your brother to feel?”

It may or may not have landed. (Probably did… but he wouldn’t dare show it.)

His older brother went off to his room, annoyed. My younger son sat on the couch with that familiar expression — quiet, stewing, definitely frustrated and maybe a sprinkle of embarrassment.

Meanwhile, I started cooking dinner.

And then…

I made him help.

He washed and prepped the lettuce.
Stirred the bulgogi in the pot.
Heated up the rice.
Put the salad kit together.
Set the table.

We didn’t talk other than about what needed to be done.

We just worked.

Nothing extraordinary.

And somewhere in the middle of it, the mood shifted.

The tension softened. That quiet stewing face turned into concentration.

By the time we sat down to eat, conversation started again.

We talked about the boys’ day. Their friends. What they do with their time after school.

Dad and big brother both said thank you for dinner — to him and to me.

And sitting there at the table, I thought about what Justin had said.

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Purpose Matters

Many boys and young men carry a lot of energy.

Physical energy.
Emotional energy.
Restless energy.

When that energy has somewhere to go — building something, fixing something, moving something, helping with something — it can settle into focus and purpose.

But when that energy has nowhere to go, something else tends to fill the space.

Sometimes irritability. Sometimes boredom. Sometimes restlessness.

And in the case of the Young Collins this afternoon… all of the above.

Justin’s point is simple, but powerful: Young men often feel better when they are doing something that matters.

Not scrolling. Not waiting. Not being lectured.

Contributing.

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The Role of Sport

Sport often provides exactly that structure.

Practice. Movement. Effort. Repetition. Team.

Where physical energy, identity, and belonging have a place.

But when a season ends, that structure can disappear overnight.

And at least for a tween, sometimes what looks like “attitude” or moodiness is really just unused energy looking for somewhere to land.

Sometimes the answer isn’t another lecture.

Sometimes the answer is simply: “Come help.”

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A Small Moment, A Bigger Reminder

Tonight my son helped cook dinner.

He prepped lettuce. Stirred a pot. Set the table.

It wasn’t therapy, or some big parenting strategy. But something shifted.

And it reminded me how powerful purpose, participation, and maybe even spending time together simply can be.

So thank you, Justin, for that insight.

Tonight a tween boy helped make dinner, and the whole table felt better for it.

In solidarity,

Laura

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Reflection Prompts

For Parents and Caregivers

Where do the young people in my life get to feel useful or needed?

When sport seasons end, where can their energy go?

What opportunities exist for them to contribute — at home, in the community, or through hands-on work?

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For Coaches and Adults Who Work with Boys

What role does movement, effort, and contribution play in the emotional lives of the young men you work with?

When athletes lose the structure of sport, what fills the space that remains?

How can we create environments where boys experience purpose, not just performance?

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This and every Athlete Illuminated post is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for mental health treatment. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need urgent support, please call or text 988 in the United States, or contact your local crisis service. If you are experiencing an emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. For ongoing concerns, consider seeking support from a licensed mental health professional.