Parents in the Stands: Supporting Athletes Without Adding Pressure

Recently, there’s been a uptick in commentary reels circulating online following this coach’s move to tell a parent in the stands to stop yelling.

And it set off a revisit to past videos showing kids shrinking under sideline shouting, and commentary about how youth sports have become high-stakes for everyone involved, like this one from 2022.

These videos hit a nerve because they reveal something honest:
parents care deeply… and sometimes that care spills over into pressure.

For the record, I understand this intimately. I write today as:

• A young gymnast of the ’80s & ’90s, who experienced a certain kind of “harsh” coaching that caused extreme pressure on young athletes,
• A psychotherapist, who works with athletes who experience this pressure today, and
• A parent of an athlete, who has seen these behaviors first-hand, and have felt the intensive space of the car ride home after your kid didn’t do well.

I get it…

We want our kids to succeed.
We want them to feel capable and confident.
We want to protect them from disappointment — or maybe from versions of disappointment we once experienced ourselves.

But when the stands grow loud with expectations, athletes — especially young ones — can start to forget who the sport belongs to.

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When Love Turns Into Pressure (Quietly, Accidentally, Invisibly)

Not all pressure sounds like yelling. Sometimes it sounds like:

• “You’ve got this.”
• “We’ve spent a lot on this training.”
• “You’re better than that.”

To a young person, the above can mean, “Don’t mess up.”

Or even…the silent weight of an expectant look after a mistake.

Young athletes feel everything. They read even the smallest microexpressions — the sigh, the tightened jaw, the “try again” tone.

Pressure often comes from something human: love, worry, hope, pride, fear.

But to a young athlete, it can feel like, “My performance determines my worth.”

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How Athletes Experience the Stands

I’ve heard athletes say:

• “I always know when my parents are disappointed.”
• “I can’t look in the stands, I don’t want to see them look at me.”
• “I don’t want to talk about it after the game. I don’t want to hear it from them.”

Parents don’t intend this.

But proximity + emotion + performance = a lot for a growing nervous system to hold.

And sometimes, kids begin to equate:
sport = stress
sport = responsibility
sport = someone else’s dream

This is where burnout begins.

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What Kids Remember Most

Years down the road, young athletes rarely remember technical advice from parents.

They remember:

• Who made them feel safe
• Who stayed calm
• Who let the sport be theirs
• Who cared more about them than the outcome

They remember the tone in the car on the way home.
They remember the faces in the stands.
They remember who softened…and who pressured.

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The Car-Ride-Home Moment

You already know this — and you live this — as a parent yourself.

The ride home is a crossroads: Do we critique, or do we connect?

Often, the most grounding words you can offer are:

• “I love watching you play.”
• “How was that for you?”
• “What do you need right now?”

Curiosity over critique. Connection over correction. Presence over pressure.

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Supporting Without Adding Weight

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about attunement.

A few gentle reminders for parents in the stands:

• Your calm is contagious. Kids can feel your stress and your steadiness.
• Your joy matters. When you enjoy the moment, they feel freer to enjoy it, too.
• Your role is different from the coach. You get to be safety, grounding, home.
• Your presence is enough. They don’t need fixing. They need you.

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If Your Child Is Struggling or Burning Out

This doesn’t mean you failed. Youth sports culture is intense — faster, younger, and more public than ever.

If your child seems tired, anxious, or disconnected from the sport they once loved, the most powerful thing you can say is:

“I’m here with you. Let’s figure this out together.”

Not to fix — but to walk with. Not to push — but to understand.

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Final Thought

Youth sports can be beautiful. They can build community, perspective, confidence, belonging. And parents play a powerful role in shaping that experience — not by doing more, but by softening into a supportive presence.

Let the sport belong to your child.
Let your love be the calm in the chaos.
Let your connection be the thing they remember most.

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Stay Connected

For weekly reflections on supporting athletes with compassion, identity, and balance, visit lcollinslcsw.com/athleteilluminated.

In solidarity,
Laura

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Reflection Prompts for Parents

Take a few gentle minutes this week to explore:

1. What do I hope my child feels when they look up and see me in the stands?
2. What messages (verbal or nonverbal) do I want to send before, during, and after games?
3. How can I help my child keep joy at the center of their sport?
4. What part of my own sports story am I still healing, and how might it be coloring my reactions?

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Note: This and every Athlete Illuminated post is for educational purposes only and not a replacement for mental health treatment. If you are in urgent need of mental health support, please call 9-8-8. If you are experiencing an emergency, please call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency room. For ongoing concerns, consider seeking professional support or therapy.