Healing Through Sharing Stories

Abuse wants people to be silent.

That’s why this journey of story-sharing with my family, friends, and former teammates has been incredible.

It. is. WILD. how we were ALL trained to stay silent. All of us. Gymnasts, coaches, parents, guardians, trainers, physicians. We all witnessed things and went silent. Many because of fear. Some because of power and control. All because of survival. It was all part of the grooming of a “tough,” “harsh” and (let’s be honest) abusive coaching approach for young gymnasts in the ’80s and ’90s.

This week on Hahnacity, Joy and I have the honor of interviewing my childhood best friend, Marianna.

Marianna and I met in Houston, Texas in 1987. With our late birthdays, she was 8 and I was 9. We were on the “Hopes” team, a group of very young gymnasts with a boatload of talent that was coached by the Karolyis’ #1 guy, Rick Newman. This group were groomed for the elite track, to someday enter Group 1 (which held the bulk of the elites and was also coached by Rick Newman) and “The 6-Pack” (Bela and Marta’s select group, which they picked from Group 1).

Marianna and I actually were not in the same group for long. I got moved up to Group 1 within my first year at Karolyis, being on the 1992 Olympic track while Marianna stayed in the Hopes, being on the 1996 track. Training was sometimes more than a full-time job; Group 1 spent 40-46 hours in the gym every week.

But thankfully, Marianna and I lived in the same residential complex. And when we were together, we got to be kids again. It was enormous fun. We got into all kinds of trouble. Losing shoes in swampy ditches. Trying to sneak breadsticks at Olive Garden. Spying on my sister and her new boyfriend.

I won’t go into our story here. Just know that people can experience things differently. My pain is strongly connected to Houston. Marianna’s is strongly connected to another time and place in her life. You are welcome to listen to it yourself on our podcast: my story in Season 1, and Marianna’s story in Season 3.

Let’s move to the aftermath…

For over 30 years, Marianna and I didn’t talk. Not because we didn’t care or love one another.

We didn’t talk because abuse told us how to feel shame.

Because I was forced to retire at 12 years old due to injury, I was trained to think I failed. That it was my fault. Not the 46 hours in the gym. Not the food deprivation. Not the “harsh” coaching.

So, I didn’t feel I deserved to talk with my former teammates, who in my mind, got to go on and continue to do the sport I loved so much.

But, when my co-host and cousin Joy (also a former elite gymnast) and I decided to share our story with one another for the first time in Season 1 of Hahnacity, we had to break through our fears and use our voice.

Through it, we’ve started to reconnect with teammates. Share stories.

And goodness, how healing it has been to know that we were never alone. We were all suffering silently, alone. Each person so resilient in their ability to shoulder pain while at the same time, building new lives for themselves.

Now that we’ve removed the blinders, we are finding community through sharing our stories, bearing witness, expressing ourselves, using our voice, and creating space for others.

It is frightening, but ultimately, it is freeing.

Thank you, Marianna. Thank you, Joy. And thank you to all who have reached out to share your stories, hailing from every sport.

If you have yet to share your story, please know that we are here for you, whenever you feel ready to.

You are all brave, beautiful, and amazing.

In solidarity,

Laura

Note: This and every Athlete Illuminated post is for educational purposes only and not a replacement for mental health treatment. If you are in urgent need of mental health support, please call 9-8-8. If you are experiencing an emergency, please call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency room. For ongoing mental health concerns, consider seeking professional support or therapy.